How to Sabotage Your Business Resolutions

by Terrill Fischer and Ann Fry

So, we've moved into a new year, And, what's more synonymous with the new year than resolutions. Right? This time you really, really want to do things right. You resolve many new beginnings and changes, both in your personal life and for that business you run. You start out great, then a day or two pass and it's getting harder to keep your word. Trying to carry out resolutions is like trying to lose weight while your sitting in a Dairy Queen. It's tempting to reach for that Blizzard, just like it's real tempting to go back to your old behaviors. Like we said, you really want to do it right, but the truth is, YOU WON'T and here's why. You're already stuck in some habits that are hard to break; and as hard as you try, they just keep on happening.

• You overburden your staff. After all, there's much to be done and you can't hire more, so each person just takes on more.
  
  Solution — Bring in a juggler to teach everybody juggling so they'll be able to handle more and more. That way instead of dropping the ball on your biggest customer they can drop several of them at once.
  
• You are always spending more than you make.
  
  Solution — Turn off the elevators and make everyone use the stairs, that will save lots of money on electricity and will force everyone to exercise. Cancel the fire insurance and buy a used fire truck for the employees to man. Have the annual company holiday bash moved from Hilton banquet room to an abandoned Fotomat booth. And oh yeah, how about just MAKE MORE MONEY!

• You over-promise and under-deliver. Your eyes are always bigger than your head.
  
  Solution — Hide in the closet, turn your phones off, avoid everyone so you don't have to deliver when you're not ready. Besides it doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
  
• You insist that employees keep their nose to the grindstone. After all, work is work and breaks are too frivolous, and besides they've got you fooled because they know how to look busy without really being busy.
  
  Solution — Install 10-minute "playbreaks" every hour. So that way they'll work when they work and play when they play, unless of course they don't.
  
• You never smile or laugh. What if it became contagious and everyone started to do it. That would be an awful way to get employees to do their jobs.
  
  Solution — Once a week insist that everyone put on their worst scowl, and give out the sour puss award to the person whose mug shot gives everyone a bad attitude.
  
• You find yourself being serious all the time, and then one day in a meeting you tell someone you're dead serious and they hand you a shovel.
  
  Solution — Start wearing a bright red clown nose and see how people don't take you seriously anyhow or eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  
• You resolve to communicate better with your people.
  
  Solution — Put out a company memo that states, "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
  
• You're always right — no one knows better than you.
  
  Solution — When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" Watch old episodes of "Dallas" and study how master of arrogance, JR Ewing would handle things.
  
• You fire people easily — that way you avoid solving your problems. But, you've forgotten how much money you could save by not always having to retrain someone new.
  
  Solution — Fire everyone except your accountants and make them show you how much money you're saving by doing everything yourself, and always remember the last person that gets fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
  
• You abdicate responsibility and always blame others for whatever is wrong.
  
  Solution — Hire a Blame Consultant and give out annual blame awards, at least that way those people will feel acknowledged and honored.) And last but not least...
  
• You always invoke the "Dilbert Principle." You only promote the idiots into the management positions.
  
  Solution — Hire only idiots to begin with and promotions are unnecessary.

So, obviously, you've got your whole company under control. Who needs resolutions anyhow? What's always worked has always worked. Or has it? Then again you could just resolve to procrastinate making any new resolutions until next year, provided you are still in business. So, "happy truckin'" and Happy New Year!

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